My conflict.

I have thoughts, I have moments when I would like to rant out loud. Unfortunately, I'm afraid of offending people. And this is where my conflict lies. I have strong, passionate moments where I want to write it all down, get it out there for people to read; however, I'm afraid how people will view me after I say it.
So, that's my reasoning behind me neglecting my blog. Out of fear. I've been writing, quietly to myself, in my dimly lit bedroom, on my own personal word document, allowing no one to read it.
Even now, as I sit here, I want to write about my class tonight and how unjust I felt it was. I want to write about my peers and how their little charades make me laugh at their expense. I want to write about my view of society these days.
But in all of this, I won't.

When I remembered I had a blog...

Well...this is awkward. Hey guys, it's been a while. 

I had a random thought today, a thought about how I cannot seem to stay motivated. With working out? I fizzle. I stick with it until I stop seeing results and conclude it's not working.  With school? Can you say procrastination? 

What led me to this conclusion is that I've been trying to lose 10 lbs before I meet my boyfriend's family for the first time. (yikes!) I thought to myself, I could get up early, run around my neighborhood and then do more cardio and strength training after work! Yeah, didn't happen. 

So my question is, how do people do it? How do YOU stay motivated? 

6 months.

I know it's corny, cheesy, and probably dumb, but I'm here to talk about the 6 months my boyfriend and I have shared together. Yes, I do realize that 6 months is not a huge feat for anyone, especially if you have experience in long-term relationships, but I don't. He's a first.

He's my best friend, in all the wonderful ways a friend is. He kicks me in rear-end when I'm being a crazy girl. He loves me when he knows I need it. He teases, he makes me laugh, and most importantly, he makes me want to be a better person. I don't think I've ever said that about a significant other and realized I meant it. He makes me want to do well in school so I can achieve my goals. He makes me want to save my money to buy that car that I've wanted. He calms me down late at night and he makes me smile in the mornings. We both have butted our heads together from time to time...and I know he thinks I'm crazy, but I hope I drive him crazy in all the right ways. I hope I make him want to be a better person. I hope I inspire him to do new things.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

I've never been so calmly happy. So comfortable and so worry-free.

You've tolerated me for 6 months, honey. I hope you can tolerate me some more.
Love,
Your Sunflower

Pity Party.

You know the phrase, "Selling tickets to the pity party?" It's what sarcastic friends or family members say to you when you're feeling down or depressed. Well, I am selling tickets? You want one? They're absolutely free.

I cannot begin to explain the past two weeks. I can, however, narrow it down to three words. They. Have. Sucked. Don't get me wrong, there have been ups. I've gotten to see my sister for the first time in about 6 months. I've gotten to see old friends that I haven't seen in years.

But, you know that nagging feeling you get before something bad happens? An intuition, I suppose. I go to bed with that feeling every night. I go to bed thinking that something horrible is going to happen, and I just wish it would happen already. There have been a few fights, a few disgruntled/annoying days at work, a few lonely nights, and a few times where I want to scream into my pillow like it would make any damn difference; but those are all things that I can handle. I just wish the bad... the really bad... would happen already. I wish the bad would come and stop tugging at my stomach, making it a lump in my throat.

However, I lay here, wondering if I could be better. I'm throwing myself a pity party. Not wanting to be around anyone, but desiring for company. Not wanting to go out, but desiring to get in my car and drive. Not wanting to lay here, but desiring to go to sleep. So, what makes these feelings go away? How do you get something that involves intuition and a "gut feeling" to just...go away?

Sigh.

I wish I could be happy again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling completely surrounded by people, and feeling alone. I'm tired of caring about people, who simply don't care about me the same way back. I'm tired of putting myself out there, making changes to myself, and failing every time. I'm tired of trying to be exceptional, and coming up short. I'm tired of trying to just...be. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
I don't want to be on the edge everyday. I don't want to be impatient all the time. I don't want to be aggravated at a sneeze, or typing on a keyboard, or at the sound of people's voices. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I don't like that I rely on a few words from someone to change my mood. I don't like that when those words don't come, I'm a wreck. I don't like admitting these things about me. I don't like that I'm clingy, needy, or a mess.

But I am those things and I am tired.

So, forgive me that I am these things. Forgive me for being this way.

Feminism at it's best.

I'd like to think that I have a healthy amount of feminist in me. I do enjoy looking nice, being a woman, and giving in to some stereotypes, but that doesn't mean that I am not as equally qualified as doing a man's job, or understanding the same things, or even enjoying "guy" things.
However, there are some women out there that make me want to hurl. For example, I know a woman that should coin the catchphrase, "that's a man's job." Things that are as simple as reloading a stapler, she will ask a man to do it.
"Katie, don't move that bookcase, that's a man's job. Ask someone else to do it."
Thanks, but I got it.
"Katie, you're lifting those boxes? Ask him to do it."
No, I'm really okay, but do you need help with your computer?
"No, Katie, that's a man's job."

These conversations have really happened. Not only does she give in to the stereotype that women are inferior, but she is reinforcing the ideal that women in the workplace belong in reception or secretary positions. Believe it or not, I can do more than answer a phone.

The moral of this? Don't reinforce a stereotype. It's aggravating, it's insulting, and it causes people to hate you.

The Rock and Water

She laid in her bed, snuggled between her many pillows and his arms. She looked up at him, seeing his eyes crinkle with a smile. She always knew his sincerest smile that way.
"You're like a rock," she stated. He looked at her, a little confused. She continued, "You have your set ways, you're grounded, and you're not changing anytime soon." His confusion slowly turned into understanding and with a grin spread across his face he stated,
"You're right. So I guess that means you're water then."
"How so?" She replied.
"Well, water can wear rocks away. They change them...they affect them." He sighed, "Plus water's a little crazy sometimes." He chuckled as she playfully punched him in the arm.
"We'll do great things then, I mean...look at the Grand Canyon." And with that, she beamed at him.