Regret.

I'm not perfect. He told me that I was, but tonight is a prime example of how I am NOT. I never claimed that I was, nor have I ever done anything that would make it appear so. I make mistakes.

Do you want to know what's really worrying me right now? To tell you the truth, I'm not worried about you being mad. I'm not worried about you forgiving me. I'm not worried about any of that. I'm more worried that you think YOU made a mistake... a mistake on me. Maybe you thought that I was some "ideal woman", and now I've turned out typical. A typical girl trying to figure everything out. That is what worries me. Maybe I'm not good enough for you? Maybe all in all, you did waste 3 months on me. Maybe waiting for me wasn't as fulfilling as you thought it would be. All these "maybes"...and no answer. If I tell you how I feel, maybe you won't tell me the truth in reciprocation. Maybe...maybe...maybe.

Only two words can fix situations like these. I'm sorry. And yet...it seems so inadequate.

Can it get worse?

I can't do this again. I can't get my heart broken again. I want him. I want it all back to normal. I want everything to be right.

My heart is in pieces right now.

I don't think it can get any worse than that, but it's only 11:30...

Smiley Stickers

I was sitting at the airport, trying to hold my eyes open. I was fading fast. Not only was I tired, but I was worn out. Worn out from fighting with my mother, worn out from fighting with my sister. As I jerked my head into the upright position, opening my eyes I saw this elderly man standing in front of me with a red vest on. He looks down at me and says,

"Do me a favor, hun?" I nod, putting on my fake smile out of sheer habit. "Just keep smiling," and hands me 2 stickers. They both carried a smiley face on them.

He didn't know it, but after that, he changed my day.

Sometimes, I guess, you just need to keep smiling.

Learning and Understanding.

I question everything. Nothing has ever been good enough for me at face value. A character flaw? I'd say so.

I would love to be the type of person who accepts things at face value. Things would be easier. I wouldn't pry for more. I wouldn't care anymore than I already did, but all in all, I would be naive.

The thing is...is that's not who I am.

I want to learn more. I want to understand everything. I need to understand everything. Scream, yell, say hurtful things...as long as I understand. Don't keep me in the dark.

What I want.

“Just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost."


I don’t mind a little pain every now and then. Not the physical kind, but the mental? I welcome it. It makes you stronger, it makes you tougher, and it makes what you are working for so much...more. Life is like an obstacle course and when you make it to the end, you lift your hands up in a triumphant glory and you acknowledge the fact that YOU did it. You didn’t take any shortcuts, you didn’t back down, and you persevered. What’s the fun in running a race knowing that you will win? Wouldn’t you want those things?
I know that I want to go out in a blaze of glory, but with that comes those trials. I want the tribulations to arrive, sooner than I can get to them. Why? Because I want the uncertainty that not everything will run smoothly. I want to wonder if I’m going to make it through to the next day. I want it all.
I won’t give up easily and I won’t back down. Bring it on.

Give.

"No one told me the right way, the right way to go about this so I'll figure it out for myself. Cause how much is too much to give you? Well I may never know so I'll just give until there's nothing else."

I give everyone the full story of me when I meet them. I don't think twice about it. I'm the "you get what you see" type of person. I don't judge. I don't think badly of a person until they give me a reason to.

People have taken advantage of who I am. They have taken the "truths" about me, turned it against me, and thrown it in my face. They feel as though this might prove that they are better than me? That their actions are somehow justified if they hit my sore spot... just one more time.

I am better than you.

I'm still going to give people all of me. This might not be the safest way to live. This is a way to get hurt over and over again, but this is also a way to find out who people are. The real way. You are not my friend. Do not fake it and do not mask it.

Leave it all behind.

"I walk the line, leave it all behind."

We need to move forward. Leave the past exactly where it is, in the past. If you let your past dictate your future, then you will inevitably live in fear. Breathe, Experience, and Live. That's all you can do.