Whoppers are disgusting

Today, I was sitting in my bed, catching up on my facebook, when I reached over and grabbed this box of whoppers that I had gotten in my Christmas stocking (which had somehow ended up on my side table) and started eating them. They. Were. Disgusting. But yet, as I sat there, I munched away on the yummy chocolate outside, only to find a dry disgusting taste of malted milk on the inside.

Ew.

So, I as I sat there, consuming calories that I didn't need, I thought to myself, "Why on earth am I still eating these?"

Americans have been trained to eat and drink calories that they don't even really like, because 1) everyone does it, 2) everyone is supposed to like it, or 3) you're just plain...bored. If you examine the evidence, you can't help but think it's true.

For instance, does anyone actually like the taste of beer? Does anyone taste it and say, "Mmm, oh my god, that hit the spot. It tastes sooooo good." No. No one does that. It might be refreshing, but most people have to force back the taste. So why do we drink it? Because when you are in college, you are supposed to drink it. You are supposed to like it. It is liquid courage for God's sake! But if Kool-aid had the same effect as beer did, a.k.a. making you look like a complete idiot, then you would choose Kool-aid over beer, hands down. Face it, it's the truth.

So why do we do it? Because honestly, Americans are idiots and can't think for themselves. Drink what you like. Eat what you like. Screw the rest.

That...thing.

I miss him, I do, but I'm ready to get started again. The thing is, I miss the feeling more. You know the feeling that I'm talking about? The feeling that comes along with liking someone so much, you not only get butterflies in your stomach, you smile until you face hurts and there's a lump in your throat. The feeling that makes you want to dance around your room for the hell of it. The feeling of being wanted.

I miss that, above all. I never noticed, but the weeks that pass when you are just getting to know someone are the absolute best. The mystery, the wonder. The unknown. It's positively remarkable. The thing is, it's not about who they are, what they do, what their family is like...it's about how they make you feel. If they don't make you feel remarkable, beautiful, positively perfect, then that's not the person for you. Look for that thrill, look for that excitement, and when you get it, don't let it go.

Search for that whisper of a thrill, you never know, lightning could strike.

Out with the old, in with the new.

I just got out of a serious relationship (call it what you want, but it was serious to me). It would probably be the first serious relationship I have had, ever. I thought I loved him. I really was under the impression that I did. I look back and realize, I wasn't in love. I was obsessed. It just shows how often, we, as young people, throw the "L" word around. It isn't something that can just be felt. We think it's so easy to fall in love. It's really not. It's easy to fall in love with obsession, with habit, with comfort, with protection, etc. With me? It was the habit. I was in love with talking everyday. I was in love with knowing that he would be there. I was in love with all these things, and I didn't look at the fact that I was NOT in love with who I was in this relationship. I had lost myself. That's what love is. Loving who the other person is (even their flaws) and loving how they impact your life.

Yes, I won't lie. It hurts. I'm hurt. But it's for the better. That's what you have to keep telling yourself. It's for the better. I'M for the better. I need to find myself again. No more boys until I know who I am. I've been hopping from guy to guy and have never had "me" time. Let's get that time back, shall we?

Fire.

Fire. It's possibly one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. It burns without taking notice. It will rage on until there is no more fuel. It's dangerous. It's out of control. It's beautiful.

Love is a lot like that fire. It can be out of control. It can be dangerous. It can be beautiful.

What happens when that fire dwindles though?

Fire can't stay lit forever.

Is this metaphor even accurate in accordance with love? I honestly don't know the answer to that...

but keep on burning...

Regret.

I'm not perfect. He told me that I was, but tonight is a prime example of how I am NOT. I never claimed that I was, nor have I ever done anything that would make it appear so. I make mistakes.

Do you want to know what's really worrying me right now? To tell you the truth, I'm not worried about you being mad. I'm not worried about you forgiving me. I'm not worried about any of that. I'm more worried that you think YOU made a mistake... a mistake on me. Maybe you thought that I was some "ideal woman", and now I've turned out typical. A typical girl trying to figure everything out. That is what worries me. Maybe I'm not good enough for you? Maybe all in all, you did waste 3 months on me. Maybe waiting for me wasn't as fulfilling as you thought it would be. All these "maybes"...and no answer. If I tell you how I feel, maybe you won't tell me the truth in reciprocation. Maybe...maybe...maybe.

Only two words can fix situations like these. I'm sorry. And yet...it seems so inadequate.

Can it get worse?

I can't do this again. I can't get my heart broken again. I want him. I want it all back to normal. I want everything to be right.

My heart is in pieces right now.

I don't think it can get any worse than that, but it's only 11:30...

Smiley Stickers

I was sitting at the airport, trying to hold my eyes open. I was fading fast. Not only was I tired, but I was worn out. Worn out from fighting with my mother, worn out from fighting with my sister. As I jerked my head into the upright position, opening my eyes I saw this elderly man standing in front of me with a red vest on. He looks down at me and says,

"Do me a favor, hun?" I nod, putting on my fake smile out of sheer habit. "Just keep smiling," and hands me 2 stickers. They both carried a smiley face on them.

He didn't know it, but after that, he changed my day.

Sometimes, I guess, you just need to keep smiling.