I'm sitting here, half asleep, and all of a sudden, I perk up. I'm pissed. You know what I'm pissed about? The human condition. The human condition thinking that we are all special. Tyler Durden said it best.
"You are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
Listen here, sweetheart. You're NOT an intellectual. You're NOT smart. You're NOT an exceptional human being. The world WILL keep turning. So go ahead...come up with your cute little mantras. Please, read me your latest "enlightenment". Oh pretty please! I want to know every detail of what goes on in that little head of yours over a social networking site. PLEASE!
...gag me.
Here is what I want from you. I want you to get a life. I want you to go somewhere, maybe Ethiopia, and experience REAL pain or hunger...or something that a spoiled rotten brat...like yourself...knows not of, Then get back to me. I would like to know your insights then. I would love to hear about how your brain is filled with all of these complexities.
I wonder, hypothetically, if I toppled you over, would your ego hit the ground first? Or would all we hear is the echo of a hollow head as came to a screeching halt against the floor...with you sputtering off some useless knowledge?
"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." -Tyler Durden
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Fantasy.
She had walked up to the counter at the airport, looking at the smiling attendant.
"Hello, where are you traveling to today?"
"DFW Airport, please. First available flight."
"You're in luck, 3 seats left. They're boarding now, you'll have to hurry." She handed the woman her credit card, and a swift charge was place on the piece of plastic. As she passed through security and on to the gate where she would soon be on her way, she struggled to keep her fear from showing. This was unlike her to show up at someone's house unannounced, let alone, his house.
The 3 hour flight to her destination was quiet. She prayed that a baby would start screaming, or a movie would be shown, or a pesky passenger would chatter away next to her, but she was out of luck. Nothing was interrupting her thought process.
What would she say? Would he tell her to leave? She had everything planned out, but soon realized that not everything plays out according to plan. Panic set in as the flight attendant came over the loud speaker.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are preparing our final descent into the metroplex. Make sure your trays are in the upright and locked position and please have your seatbelts fastened. We will be on the ground in 15 minutes."
She went over the plan in her head one last time. Taxi. Phone Call. Drop off. Suitcase in tow. Doorbell.
"Oh dear god." She repeatedly whispered to herself as she walked through the airport and to the information desk.
"I need a taxi or shuttle, please." The lady looked at her, smiled, and replied,
"Yes, where is your destination?"
She spouted off his address, one that she surprisingly remembered, and gave her the piece of plastic.Such a handy item, she thought. So easily used, so easily lost.
She sat outside on the bench, waiting for her taxi to arrive. Again she repeated the plan.Taxi. Phone Call. Drop off. Suitcase in tow. Doorbell.
She saw the yellow cab pull up. She looked at the man at the information desk, who signaled her to the car. This was, indeed, her chariot. She climbed in, repeated the address to the man, and was on her way. Her suitcase was clutched in her lap, her pale hands enveloping it. This was it. There was no turning back now. The money was spent, the car ride was happening, and the wheels of fate were turning.
At last, the car pulled up to his house. The same as she remembered. She thanked the man and stepped out. One last step was all that was necesssary. Doorbell.
Her heels upon the sidewalk made a loud sound as she approached. Her finger pressed the small button.
She could hear the ruffling of shoes against tile and the padlock unlock as the door opened. His face turned white behind the screen door that now separated them.
The only thing he could mutter was, "What are you doing here?"
"Choose me," was all that left her lips.
At last, she woke up. Her life was exactly as it had been. No flight had been taken, her bank account was still full, and no knowledge of her existence was thought of by him. He was unaware of how she felt and what she fantasized about doing. She wanted to have the courage to board that plane more than anything; however, another day of work and school awaited. She climbed out of her warm bed, proceeded to the bathroom, and began another day of repetition.
"Hello, where are you traveling to today?"
"DFW Airport, please. First available flight."
"You're in luck, 3 seats left. They're boarding now, you'll have to hurry." She handed the woman her credit card, and a swift charge was place on the piece of plastic. As she passed through security and on to the gate where she would soon be on her way, she struggled to keep her fear from showing. This was unlike her to show up at someone's house unannounced, let alone, his house.
The 3 hour flight to her destination was quiet. She prayed that a baby would start screaming, or a movie would be shown, or a pesky passenger would chatter away next to her, but she was out of luck. Nothing was interrupting her thought process.
What would she say? Would he tell her to leave? She had everything planned out, but soon realized that not everything plays out according to plan. Panic set in as the flight attendant came over the loud speaker.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are preparing our final descent into the metroplex. Make sure your trays are in the upright and locked position and please have your seatbelts fastened. We will be on the ground in 15 minutes."
She went over the plan in her head one last time. Taxi. Phone Call. Drop off. Suitcase in tow. Doorbell.
"Oh dear god." She repeatedly whispered to herself as she walked through the airport and to the information desk.
"I need a taxi or shuttle, please." The lady looked at her, smiled, and replied,
"Yes, where is your destination?"
She spouted off his address, one that she surprisingly remembered, and gave her the piece of plastic.Such a handy item, she thought. So easily used, so easily lost.
She sat outside on the bench, waiting for her taxi to arrive. Again she repeated the plan.Taxi. Phone Call. Drop off. Suitcase in tow. Doorbell.
She saw the yellow cab pull up. She looked at the man at the information desk, who signaled her to the car. This was, indeed, her chariot. She climbed in, repeated the address to the man, and was on her way. Her suitcase was clutched in her lap, her pale hands enveloping it. This was it. There was no turning back now. The money was spent, the car ride was happening, and the wheels of fate were turning.
At last, the car pulled up to his house. The same as she remembered. She thanked the man and stepped out. One last step was all that was necesssary. Doorbell.
Her heels upon the sidewalk made a loud sound as she approached. Her finger pressed the small button.
She could hear the ruffling of shoes against tile and the padlock unlock as the door opened. His face turned white behind the screen door that now separated them.
The only thing he could mutter was, "What are you doing here?"
"Choose me," was all that left her lips.
At last, she woke up. Her life was exactly as it had been. No flight had been taken, her bank account was still full, and no knowledge of her existence was thought of by him. He was unaware of how she felt and what she fantasized about doing. She wanted to have the courage to board that plane more than anything; however, another day of work and school awaited. She climbed out of her warm bed, proceeded to the bathroom, and began another day of repetition.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Apathy.
If I thought that I could write something interesting right now, I would.
The truth is, nothing critical/interesting/fun has happened in my life lately. I'm in a funk, I suppose.
Nothing has excited me. Nothing has made me happy. Nothing has made me sad. Nothing has really made me feel anything besides apathetic. A long time ago, I wrote about how I wish I could make my feelings disappear. Well, they have. I really haven't felt much of anything in the past few weeks. I haven't been driven to write, or to draw, or to laugh, or anything.
I guess you get the picture. The truth is, when I made that wish, I was beyond sad. It was grief, heartbreak, and loneliness. And now, I can't feel anything. So the conclusion that I'm trying to get to right now, don't make a wish like that. It hurts more than anything to not feel at all.
The truth is, nothing critical/interesting/fun has happened in my life lately. I'm in a funk, I suppose.
Nothing has excited me. Nothing has made me happy. Nothing has made me sad. Nothing has really made me feel anything besides apathetic. A long time ago, I wrote about how I wish I could make my feelings disappear. Well, they have. I really haven't felt much of anything in the past few weeks. I haven't been driven to write, or to draw, or to laugh, or anything.
I guess you get the picture. The truth is, when I made that wish, I was beyond sad. It was grief, heartbreak, and loneliness. And now, I can't feel anything. So the conclusion that I'm trying to get to right now, don't make a wish like that. It hurts more than anything to not feel at all.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I believe...
I read thing today and really liked it. Thought I would share.
I Believe...
That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe....
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life..
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them..
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe....
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up..
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe....
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe....
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life..
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them..
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe....
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up..
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe....
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday Morning Movie Madness
I'm going to start this new thing. Every Sunday night I will watch a movie, maybe one that not everyone has seen, and give my reviews and opinions of it the morning after. It'll be something for me too look forward to every Monday.
So without further adieu, let's roll.
Home Room: (2002)
My Rating: 3.5/5
If you're looking for a feel good movie, this is not going to be it. It is a movie based on a shooting at a high school, where one popular student was shot through the head, and survived, and the other is an outcast who saw everything happen while she sat in the corner of home room. This movie would have received a complete 5/5 if not for sparatic moments of bad acting. However, the message and the feel of the situation definitely got through and I teared up from time to time. It was a movie about 2 completely different people finding out things about themselves along with things about each other. It doesn't have any happy moments, nor does it make you smile and think everything is going to be okay. You really are unsure of the outcome. Things catch you by surprise, and you will be shocked by certain revealed instances. Overall, I liked it, but it's not one of those movies that I will watch over and over again. It's a one time thing, and I did enjoy the feelings I absorbed from it. It makes you think about your place in the world.
So without further adieu, let's roll.
My Rating: 3.5/5
If you're looking for a feel good movie, this is not going to be it. It is a movie based on a shooting at a high school, where one popular student was shot through the head, and survived, and the other is an outcast who saw everything happen while she sat in the corner of home room. This movie would have received a complete 5/5 if not for sparatic moments of bad acting. However, the message and the feel of the situation definitely got through and I teared up from time to time. It was a movie about 2 completely different people finding out things about themselves along with things about each other. It doesn't have any happy moments, nor does it make you smile and think everything is going to be okay. You really are unsure of the outcome. Things catch you by surprise, and you will be shocked by certain revealed instances. Overall, I liked it, but it's not one of those movies that I will watch over and over again. It's a one time thing, and I did enjoy the feelings I absorbed from it. It makes you think about your place in the world.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Reasons why I'm exhausted and can't sleep.
My mind races a thousand miles per hour every night before I need to get some shut eye. Usually, I can push back all the thoughts until morning, in which I can re-examine them, however, tonight is different. I hate these nights. They usually happen once a week, and they are so freakin' irritating. I can't even type fast enough to keep up with my train of though. Geesh.
It probably has to do with the fact that I watched a movie to try and "sound me to sleep". Fun fact for all of you out there, falling asleep to the sound of a movie or television is my favorite way to fall asleep. I wake up feeling more rested than ever before, and then curious about how my show/movie ended.
I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time. It's taken me about 3 days to finally finish it, (yes, I am that busy), but I finally did. I have came to two conclusions. The first one being that Ben Affleck has the cutest side smile in the entire world. The second, that it related a lot to a relationship I had a long time ago. Minus the "going to see about a girl" part. He never came after me...obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here. I'm Skylar. He was Will.
So those are the first couple thoughts on my mind. The next being...I don't want a relationship. Ever. I recant that previous statement. Rephrasing: I don't want a relationship until I'm done living. Does that make sense? I want to experience everything that I want to experience before I'm done living my life, then I'll settle down and maybe pop out a few babies. Being in a relationship right now calls for too much attention, and I refuse to be dragged down. Especially by these things called, "feelings". Annoying.
So, what else is running through my mind? Let's see...
-My astonishment at my typing speed right now
-Him...now that I watched that freakin' movie. Not okay.
-Fright Dome tomorrow night.
-Payday tomorrow and the dividing of expenses
-How much a pastor gets paid a year (don't ask)
-Wondering if my brakes fell off my car again. (Yes, it really IS that big of a POS)
..and how much I am craving Cap'n Crunch right now. Ever since that person asked me that on Formspring, I can't get it out of my head.
So yes, this blog post was completely pointless and badly written, but I thought that typing it all out right now would alleviate some brain space. It might have been successful, but we'll see in a few moments.
It probably has to do with the fact that I watched a movie to try and "sound me to sleep". Fun fact for all of you out there, falling asleep to the sound of a movie or television is my favorite way to fall asleep. I wake up feeling more rested than ever before, and then curious about how my show/movie ended.
I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time. It's taken me about 3 days to finally finish it, (yes, I am that busy), but I finally did. I have came to two conclusions. The first one being that Ben Affleck has the cutest side smile in the entire world. The second, that it related a lot to a relationship I had a long time ago. Minus the "going to see about a girl" part. He never came after me...obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here. I'm Skylar. He was Will.
So those are the first couple thoughts on my mind. The next being...I don't want a relationship. Ever. I recant that previous statement. Rephrasing: I don't want a relationship until I'm done living. Does that make sense? I want to experience everything that I want to experience before I'm done living my life, then I'll settle down and maybe pop out a few babies. Being in a relationship right now calls for too much attention, and I refuse to be dragged down. Especially by these things called, "feelings". Annoying.
So, what else is running through my mind? Let's see...
-My astonishment at my typing speed right now
-Him...now that I watched that freakin' movie. Not okay.
-Fright Dome tomorrow night.
-Payday tomorrow and the dividing of expenses
-How much a pastor gets paid a year (don't ask)
-Wondering if my brakes fell off my car again. (Yes, it really IS that big of a POS)
..and how much I am craving Cap'n Crunch right now. Ever since that person asked me that on Formspring, I can't get it out of my head.
So yes, this blog post was completely pointless and badly written, but I thought that typing it all out right now would alleviate some brain space. It might have been successful, but we'll see in a few moments.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
This Temporary Phase
"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." -Garden State
Have you ever felt that you are stuck in this place called the "Temporary Phase". That nothing in your life ever feels permanent? Well, I do.
Day after day, it's the same thing. I get up out of my temporary bed with my temporary sheets. I whisk away to the bathroom to wash my face with my temporary face wash (just to see if this one works). I then put on my temporary work clothes to go to my temporary job where I converse with temporary people. To get to that job, I take my temporary car. I take my temporary classes every Tuesday and Wednesday at a temporary school to fulfill my degree that will happen...not soon enough. So day after day, night after night, I do this routine. Nothing seems permanent or worthwhile. Everything feels like it is going to go away after a certain time.
I miss the days of permanence. Where everything was mine and nothing felt strange.
Have you ever felt that you are stuck in this place called the "Temporary Phase". That nothing in your life ever feels permanent? Well, I do.
Day after day, it's the same thing. I get up out of my temporary bed with my temporary sheets. I whisk away to the bathroom to wash my face with my temporary face wash (just to see if this one works). I then put on my temporary work clothes to go to my temporary job where I converse with temporary people. To get to that job, I take my temporary car. I take my temporary classes every Tuesday and Wednesday at a temporary school to fulfill my degree that will happen...not soon enough. So day after day, night after night, I do this routine. Nothing seems permanent or worthwhile. Everything feels like it is going to go away after a certain time.
I miss the days of permanence. Where everything was mine and nothing felt strange.
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