Ostentatious

I have a fetish for great language. It's odd, I get it. I'm odd, I get that too. I love when people use some of my favorite words. Such as, "ponder", "facetious", and my newest favorite, "ostentatious". Most people don't tend to have favorite words, but I do. The words that I like aren't used often and usually are substituted for smaller, less meaningful words. For example,
"John is being so facetious today." versus, "John is being so funny today." People use the latter of the two. However, when someone does use my favorite word, they instantly have my attention. Complete and undivided.

So why do I like these words so much? It's simple. They describe me. I'm going to go ahead and be upfront with you now about my personality. I ponder. Quick and easy. I overthink. You know how you have those thoughts right before you go to bed and you can't seem to get to sleep? Try having that happen to you every night. Secondly, I like to think of myself as facetious. Humorous and funny. I crack jokes, whether other people find them funny or not, that's their opinion. I humor myself, and that's really all that matters. Lastly, I'm ostentatious. I hate it, and I find it to be a pesky flaw. But when I have money in my pocket? It's money to burn. I want to go, go, go. Shop, shop, shop. I enjoy having nice things and I like it when people notice my nice things. It's not a necessity, I don't sit here shaking because I haven't gotten my "fix", but people noticing the things I've worked for or presents that I have received, it's enjoyable to me.

So yes, I have words that I love. Done and done. What are you favorite words?

Best Friends?

You were never a friend. You were never the person I could turn to when I really needed to talk. You're absolutely awful. The moment that something happens, you not only scurry away, you completely backhand me across the face...not finding out the truth and not wanting to know what's going on with me. You don't even try to deny what the accusation is. You don't "care" about me and you never did. That whole group of "friends" that I had, was a lie. You were not my friends. We were party buddies. We were only friends when it was convenient and when we were bored. I'm sorry that I wasted time thinking that you were my best friend. Best friend's don't turn away so easily. You scampered off. You fled. Things weren't kittens and butterflies anymore so you decided that it wasn't worth putting forth the effort anymore. We had disagreements and I tried to fix it, despite my better judgement and the advice that others gave me.

I look at you and I'm disgusted at what you've become. Do you realize I tried to do the best for you? I didn't want you to get into trouble and I wanted you to be healthy. None of that mattered to you unless someone was buying the beer. So go ahead. Sit around. Waste your money, your parents money, and any of the other money you have mooched off of other people. Go ahead and do that and watch yourself get bigger and bigger. You need to grow up. You're not energetic like you used to be. You're not happy like you used to be. You're alone, and you know it. You have no one there that really WANTS to be your friend...not unless you are partying together. The person that I knew was happy. This person? They're dumb. They're a stoner. They're a bully. They're unhealthy. They're a drunk. This is not the person that I knew.

You don't have a personality. And if you do? I'm sure it's a great one. I know the person that was "one-on-one" with me...and I liked her. But honestly, I can't even trust if that was you either. You're not unique, you're not fun, you just blend. You blend to the personality that's around you. I feel bad for you, because you're never going to know true joy and happiness. You are never going to know love, friendship, or butterflies.

You don't know what you want out of life. You can't party forever and you can't drink away your feelings. I want you to change into the person that I knew. Not this. I don't like what you've become and if you parents can't say this to you and can't see who you are, then I will. I don't want this life for you.

Food.

When I say I love food, I don't just mean that I have a big sweet tooth, or I enjoy binge eating from time to time...I mean, I love food. I love the taste from the right combination of herbs. I love the different tastes of cheeses in my Mom's "Rainbow Macaroni and Cheese". I love the taste of chocolate ice cream and the way the cold makes it taste richer and sweeter in your mouth, the light and fluffy texture is swollen up into a dense piece of chocolate right inside my mouth. See? Most people just see chocolate as sweet and rich. I see it as an event.

When I say I love food, I think of it as an exciting adventure. I can't wait to eat something new to feel the texture of it, to taste it, to see how it is after the first bite...with all the flavors combined. It goes in stages. You smell it, take in all the aroma, You put it in your mouth, let the outer flavors soak onto your tongue and when you finally bite down onto it...it's all the flavors that you didn't taste before enveloping the inside of your mouth.

It's not just eating. It's a tasting frenzy. So many things going on at once, you have to sit there and slow down that frenzy...letting every stage hit in the right order. Next time, take it all in before you start devouring.

The Grace by Neverending White Lights

I'm putting these lyrics as my blog entry because this song has been very important to me recently. Listen to it, really listen.

In better days I've been known to listen
I go to waste all my time is missing

I'm mapping out my ending,
it's never gonna happen now
These things are condescending
with everybody backing down

You pray to stars that can help you get by
And all at once you forget to try

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

You're not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'll get back to you,
God knows I try,
but I still lose
And I get back to you,
these days run by,
but I still lose

Angels say they can make you suffer
They give and take like a vicious lover

When all this loses meaning,
You'll never want it back somehow
Awake but still I'm dreaming
And never waking up

You're not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'll get back to you,
God knows I try,
but I still lose
And I get back to you,
these days run by,
but I still lose, lose

Alone...Where I'm not alone
Alone...

Awkward.

I truly believe with my whole heart that I am awkward. People that have to get to know, see me as funny. For example, ex-roommates, co-workers, internet friends. They see me as the girl that will cheer them up when they are crying, and does a great job doing so. I play things off as light-hearted, can easily "pull myself together", and can almost offer any advice to mend a broken heart. However, this is only with the people who really know me. If you are one of those people, you will probably be surprised by this blog. "Wow, Katie, you're not awkward." No, but really, I am. Let me explain it a little further.

When strangers come up to me asking for help, hitting on me, or to just be friendly, I honestly have no idea what to do. I smile really wide, crinkle my eyes, and stutter a lot. "Um, I-I-I think that the gas station is around th- oh wait--no it's um--yeah." That is really what I will say to a stranger. An exact quote. I look like an idiot. I have blonde hair, an empty expression, and I stutter. I mean, what would you think?

Every now and then, I can put on the social facade. I'm really good at it too...but I have to prepare. How stupid is that? I have to prepare to be social...but I do. It's when people bombard me and catch me when I'm not prepared, that's when the awkwardness settles in.

Also, I tend to say things people shouldn't say. I do things that normal people don't do. I am not politically correct half the time, and when I try to make a funny comment about something, 50% of the time, it's not even heard. So, I'm sitting there laughing at what I said, and everyone else is carrying on with their own conversation. It's that nervous laugh that you have to inevitably act like never existed. You realize no one thought it was funny, you turn around, and resume what you were doing...because you just embarrassed yourself.

I just thought I would share.

The Uncertainty factor

My Dad used to say to me as far back as I can remember,

"Is there any gray area?" It was always supposed to be black and white. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Yes or no. Somehow that philosophy never set well with me, nor did it actually instill within me.

He now jokes about,

"Katie, you live for the gray area." Yes, I do. I love the gray area. There are all those questions out there that if they were answered in a black and white way..they would be simple...they would be yes or no answers. Sometimes a simple yes or no just doesn't cover it. Sometimes a deeper look is needed. Sometimes we need to give people second or third chances before we are finally able to give that solid answer.

No, a solid answer is what I fret. One, I hate decision making and two, I hate making decisions. These are the things that keep me awake at night. I know what I should do, but is it going to be the right thing to do? Am I wrong? What if everything stays in this gray cloudy-like state, could that be the right thing to do? But you can't freeze time, and that's what I inevitably have to learn. At one point in that gray area you have to take a sharp left or right in the direction that's needed. I resent being the driver of this vehicle...this vehicle of decision making. Yes or no. Good or bad. Right or wrong. They are so permanent, so final.

So in the midst of these finalities, what should I do? Should I stick to my old habits or start giving these final answers? I don't know if I can or if I should even start. I don't know if it's right or if it's wrong. See? There I go with my gray area again.

I'm off to ponder.

Diary

I have been keeping this blog as a sort of diary, and the reason that I profess so much of my thoughts on here is because it's simply...refreshing. It's like spilling secrets without actually seeing the reaction on people's faces. It's like having a conversation and getting a whole story out without the interruption. I love it. I feel the need to explain to some the reason that I keep this blog, my reasoning behind talking about things that should be kept to myself.

For one, I don't like keeping things to myself. I kind of go crazy. I've tried before. It either gets blurted out at inopportune moments or it gets talked about and said completely wrong. Do you ever have those moments? The moments where you just say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Yeah? Well, I'm a professional when it comes to those moments. Believe me. On here, it's different. I can reread my thoughts and think to myself, "Is this really what I was trying to say?" I can delete and cancel thoughts that don't apply to me anymore or were just worded the wrong way...and I can even delete thoughts that I regret exposing.

Secondly, I like being able to display my thoughts because I like being an open book. I like people knowing about me. I like people checking up on me. Just the thought of someone looking at my blog and saying, "What's Katie up to?" puts a smile on my face. One of the best feelings in the world is overhearing someone saying nice things about you. I like to believe that when people read this, that's what they say.

I know it doesn't make all that much sense, especially to those who keep their private lives, well..private, but I don't like to be shut off from people, so I reciprocate. I don't shut myself off from others. Never expect me to. I will always give second chances, I will always reward thirds. No matter how many times someone ends up screwing me over, I will let them in, time after time. It's vulnerable, it's dumb, but people will never stop surprising you. With all of that said, come on in...and let's have a closer look.

Movies

I have heard over and over again that "life can't happen like it can in the movies." I beg to differ. That is what it is written or told about people who have never experienced real life movie magic. Movies are based on real life, so why do people say that they are unable to happen? I wish that more people had this philosophy that I have. I am looking for that. I am determined to find my movie magic.

Self-Confidence

Self-confidence. As of yesterday, I'm bathing it. I never thought I was that pretty. I never thought I was that smart. I never thought that I was thin enough, or flirtatious enough, or overall, just not good enough. I've been so wrong, and so blind. Lately I've been living in this light of, "I am great." I think people should feel like this more often. Push your insecurities aside...and just live.

I am a little bit out there. I enjoy dorky things like watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or revisiting my old VHS tapes. I like painting, writing, going to antique stores. My free time includes making up design ideas for my non-existant apartment. I like looking up puppy youtube videos...and even better, making my own youtube videos (however half of them are never uploaded). I would rather refinish a piece of furniture than buy it new. These are all things about me that make me, me. Most of them are corny, cheesy, or just stupid to most people, but I enjoy doing these things, and in the end, makes me interesting.

People find it interesting that I want to buy a '72 yellow Volkswagon so I can drive the car my mom used to. (I will have to learn everything about cars before I do though). People find it interesting that I have such a large sweet tooth, that I will stop at nothing to try to reach an unsatisfiable craving. I want to travel to Iceland, to Finland, to Ireland... just to look.

I might not know where I'll end up, or who I'll meet, or what I want to do, but I do know that I'm a good person with a big heart. I can't keep hiding, afraid that I'll be judged. Love the people who love you and treat you right, forget the ones that don't. Stop trying to appease people who are unappeasable, and give to those who show gratitude. No one is going to get me off this cloud, not even that one person who used to. I might live with my head in the clouds, but I can reach my dreams a lot easier this high.