6 months.

I know it's corny, cheesy, and probably dumb, but I'm here to talk about the 6 months my boyfriend and I have shared together. Yes, I do realize that 6 months is not a huge feat for anyone, especially if you have experience in long-term relationships, but I don't. He's a first.

He's my best friend, in all the wonderful ways a friend is. He kicks me in rear-end when I'm being a crazy girl. He loves me when he knows I need it. He teases, he makes me laugh, and most importantly, he makes me want to be a better person. I don't think I've ever said that about a significant other and realized I meant it. He makes me want to do well in school so I can achieve my goals. He makes me want to save my money to buy that car that I've wanted. He calms me down late at night and he makes me smile in the mornings. We both have butted our heads together from time to time...and I know he thinks I'm crazy, but I hope I drive him crazy in all the right ways. I hope I make him want to be a better person. I hope I inspire him to do new things.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

I've never been so calmly happy. So comfortable and so worry-free.

You've tolerated me for 6 months, honey. I hope you can tolerate me some more.
Love,
Your Sunflower

Pity Party.

You know the phrase, "Selling tickets to the pity party?" It's what sarcastic friends or family members say to you when you're feeling down or depressed. Well, I am selling tickets? You want one? They're absolutely free.

I cannot begin to explain the past two weeks. I can, however, narrow it down to three words. They. Have. Sucked. Don't get me wrong, there have been ups. I've gotten to see my sister for the first time in about 6 months. I've gotten to see old friends that I haven't seen in years.

But, you know that nagging feeling you get before something bad happens? An intuition, I suppose. I go to bed with that feeling every night. I go to bed thinking that something horrible is going to happen, and I just wish it would happen already. There have been a few fights, a few disgruntled/annoying days at work, a few lonely nights, and a few times where I want to scream into my pillow like it would make any damn difference; but those are all things that I can handle. I just wish the bad... the really bad... would happen already. I wish the bad would come and stop tugging at my stomach, making it a lump in my throat.

However, I lay here, wondering if I could be better. I'm throwing myself a pity party. Not wanting to be around anyone, but desiring for company. Not wanting to go out, but desiring to get in my car and drive. Not wanting to lay here, but desiring to go to sleep. So, what makes these feelings go away? How do you get something that involves intuition and a "gut feeling" to just...go away?

Sigh.

I wish I could be happy again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling completely surrounded by people, and feeling alone. I'm tired of caring about people, who simply don't care about me the same way back. I'm tired of putting myself out there, making changes to myself, and failing every time. I'm tired of trying to be exceptional, and coming up short. I'm tired of trying to just...be. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
I don't want to be on the edge everyday. I don't want to be impatient all the time. I don't want to be aggravated at a sneeze, or typing on a keyboard, or at the sound of people's voices. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I don't like that I rely on a few words from someone to change my mood. I don't like that when those words don't come, I'm a wreck. I don't like admitting these things about me. I don't like that I'm clingy, needy, or a mess.

But I am those things and I am tired.

So, forgive me that I am these things. Forgive me for being this way.