You know the phrase, "Selling tickets to the pity party?" It's what sarcastic friends or family members say to you when you're feeling down or depressed. Well, I am selling tickets? You want one? They're absolutely free.
I cannot begin to explain the past two weeks. I can, however, narrow it down to three words. They. Have. Sucked. Don't get me wrong, there have been ups. I've gotten to see my sister for the first time in about 6 months. I've gotten to see old friends that I haven't seen in years.
But, you know that nagging feeling you get before something bad happens? An intuition, I suppose. I go to bed with that feeling every night. I go to bed thinking that something horrible is going to happen, and I just wish it would happen already. There have been a few fights, a few disgruntled/annoying days at work, a few lonely nights, and a few times where I want to scream into my pillow like it would make any damn difference; but those are all things that I can handle. I just wish the bad... the really bad... would happen already. I wish the bad would come and stop tugging at my stomach, making it a lump in my throat.
However, I lay here, wondering if I could be better. I'm throwing myself a pity party. Not wanting to be around anyone, but desiring for company. Not wanting to go out, but desiring to get in my car and drive. Not wanting to lay here, but desiring to go to sleep. So, what makes these feelings go away? How do you get something that involves intuition and a "gut feeling" to just...go away?
Sigh.
I wish I could be happy again.
from experience i cannot really give you words of hope, but only reassure it will eventually subside. Being very sensitive to those feelings myself, and often laying awake for hours in the same state of i guess numbness, sometimes it is best to dismiss the feeling and let the world happen with no prior expectations. i find a way of escaping from my mind, i call it falling in to the darkness, i let myself become consumed with it for a short time, and then, after a short while force myself to live in the here and now, it takes time but the feeling eventually shrinks, and you feel like you think alot clearer.
ReplyDelete"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.”