Who am I?

Many of you might remember the scene in the movie, "Anger Management" where he is sitting in a group counseling session and they ask him the question, "Who are you?" He speaks up rapidly and answers with his job title. They then respond with, "No, that is what you do, who are you?" He tries listing off other things that would normally describe him, and has yet again received the response of, "No, who are you?" He becomes more and more frustrated as the scene progresses. I understand that this scene is meant to be funny, annoying, and shows his irritation in the matter, however the only thing I can take away from the scene is, Who am I?

I can look at this question and become completely blank. Who am I? I repeatedly sit and ask myself this question over and over again.

I could not describe to you in 100 words or less, let alone a novel, about who I am. I could not tell you about my many great qualities or my many various flaws that accompany them. I am neither a good human nor a bad person. I am neither exceptionally happy or predominantly sad. Nothing fits, so I'll ask again, who am I?

Well I'll start off slow.

I'm a dreamer. I dream of jobs I could have, places I could live. I want to travel, I want to live, I want to try, and I want to do.

I am jealous. I am jealous of the friends I could have. I am jealous of others.

I am spastic. I never know what I want, and I never know how to obtain it.

I am random.
I am deep.
I am happy.
I am an intellectual.
I am a writer.
I am an artist.
I am lazy.
I am hygienic.
I am a chocolate-lover.
I am an explorer.

The list could go on forever. The bottom line is, you can't sum up into words the type of human you are. We're impossible. We are all full of surprises, full of talents we aren't aware of, and full of actions we thought we'd never do. We're not programmed to do certain things and we're never pinpointed exactly.

Who am I? I'm Katie.

My Guide to Happiness

Let's take a look inside my purse. It holds my wallet, my camera, my phone, my pina colada tic-tacs, and most importantly, my planner. No more than two weeks ago did I get this planner and it's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Now, most of you would think about having a planner and remember the days of homework from high school, the days of having your parents flip through it, or the days where your teacher would glare at you if you weren't writing the daily objectives from the board.

Me, personally? I hated the thought of toting around a book filled with daily activities. It seemed unnecessary in my daily life. I could see it for someone who had appointments, or had a busy schedule. But for me? I didn't think I needed it.

Regardless of my thoughts on it, I purchased one anyway with the good intentions of writing down my homework for my new school. It turned into something much more. I now call it, "My Guide to Happiness". Everyday I look at it, and I feel more enlightened. "Do something new everyday" is labeled across the top. A new quote is written down everyday and it becomes my daily philosophy.

As some of you may know, I've been going through a rough patch. Scratch that. It's not a patch, it's a field. Anyway, if you didn't know, I am. Or at least I have been for a while now. For years, I haven't been the girl that I liked. I haven't been the good person that people should get to know. I have been living this alter-ego who isn't me. I have some people to thank for that and I have some people to thank for getting me out of that funk. The funk that has consumed my life for years now. Call it adolescence, call it "finding yourself", call it experimenting. Whatever you may call it, it wasn't me. The person that I have always prided myself on has remained dormant, hidden under this unstable shell, and finally, she's reappearing.

Now, I'm not saying that this inanimate object has been my epiphany and I'm not saying that if you go buy one it will suddenly change your life as well, but it has, however, helped me. It's been my guide. You can look at it, know what you've written, look back on those intentions and say, "Yes, you're right." It seems silly to try to uplift yourself, but when you are sitting in the hole you dug yourself, that's what you have to do.

Today's daily philosophy?
"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." -Bertrand Russell

Definition of Love

Main Entry: love

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: person who is loved by another

Synonyms: Juliet, Romeo, admirer, angel, beau, beloved, boyfriend, courter, darling, dear, dear one, dearest, flame, girlfriend, honey, inamorata, inamorato, loved one, lover, paramour, passion, spark, suitor, swain, sweet, sweetheart, truelove, valentine


So being the person that I am, I get on dictionary.com or thesaurus.com looking up synonyms for words, looking up the real definition of that word, learning new words, etc. I decided, what better way to know something better than to look up what the real definition is? I stumbled across something kind of interesting. Romeo and Juliet is synonymous with Love. Now, I get that this is the "noun" version, and Romeo & Juliet is one of the greatest love stories ever told, but I have to start questioning, why? Let me make one thing perfectly clear before I even begin. I love William Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite books. I love the complexity of it and I love the forbidden nature of it all, but why does it take two people killing themselves to be considered one of the greatest love stories of all time? Why has it become so well known that it is now placed as a synonym to the word, "Love"?

Stumbling across this this morning has left me dazed and confused.

The World would be a better place if...

http://gizmodo.com/5513783/the-world-would-be-better-if-everyone-watched-this-video

I have included the link to the video I will be talking about above. Go watch it.

I would like to start off by saying that this video hit me like a big frisbee to the face. (Believe me, it gets your attention). I didn't expect it that morning when I watched it and as I was trying to hold back tears, I started sending it and posting it everywhere that I could think...except on here. I waited to post it on here because I wanted to really think about it, really wanted to expand on what I saw and how I felt. I wanted to sleep on it, really ponder what was going through my head. These are the conclusions that I came to.

First off, we are small individuals. In the cosmic universe of things, we are tiny fragments. In all honesty, we don't really matter. You can't make out our face shapes, or even our bodies from so far away. This should make me feel insignificant. This should make me want to go into my room, lock the door, and die, right? Because why does it matter? You're wrong. At first, I did feel this way. After talking to people though, it makes me want to do bigger things. "I won't affect people doing that? Well, on to bigger things," I thought.

Secondly, it made me think about space. I want to learn about it now. I've never been the scientific child. I've never wanted to learn about atoms, or look under a microscope. But now? I'm curious as hell. I want to know more. I want to know studies. I want to learn about this unknown being that we call "outerspace". What's out there?

And finally, it made me want to go outside at midnight and scream. Scream at the top of my lungs, trying to make a difference, even though in the back of my mind I knew that the sound wouldn't press farther than my neighborhood.

"Can anybody hear me?"

So I'm gonna press on, learn more, love more, and hopefully in the end, make a difference. My future plans have been tweaked a little, but I know now more than ever that I need to go. I need to do. And above all, I need to love. We live in a mad, crazy, greedy world, but in the grand scheme of things, we're fragments. Faded things on a tiny planet. The Pale Blue Dot.

My Bucket List

This is not everything that I would like to accomplish before I die; however, it is a lot of things I woud like to do in the next five years or so. I'm not going to make a full on bucket list, just because I would have to continuously add things to it, so this is my "In the next five years or so..." (Each activity will be accompanied by an explanation as to why)

1) Tag a building. Why? I like art and in my opinionm people who tag buildings are some of the best artists around. They know shading, monochromatic color schemes, good style, and beautiful color work. I would like to rank up there with these artists.

2) Have a date at a carnival on a ferris wheel. People always share their perfect "date"? I want to share a funnel cake/corn dog on a ferris wheel. Why? Because it's the cutest effing thing in the world.

3) Take a roadtrip with a group of friends. I've take roadtrips before, but not with more than me and a friend or a family member. I want a large tahoe or van packed full of my closest friends, a shift driving schedule, and a constant annoying picture taker. Why? It's just one of those necessary things that people should experience.

4) Tell someone off, in the harshest way possible with perfect flow, annunciation and no stuttering. The kind of speech that when talked to later is described as, "BAM! BAM! BAM! She hit all the right spots!" Why? I've always talked about it, I've always wanted to, but I inevitably chicken out when the right time comes around. I want the best comeback possible combined with a statement or speech that makes them feel awful about themselves. Only to people who deserve it, of course.

Now, these are not in any specific order, these are not the major things that I want to do, but these are some of the things that WILL happen in the next 5 years, or 1 year. Whichever.

My views on partying

I've gone through that phase. Ya know, the phase of "Yeahhhhh! Let's Party!" Well, I'm over it.

It's not that I can't get alcohol. It's not that I don't have a party to go to. I mean, I live in Las Vegas, I'm a semi-attractive blonde girl, and the bouncer will let any person in as long as they have a bra on...no matter if they are 21 or not. If I wanted to go clubbing, I could. If I wanted to get drunk, I could. If I wanted to spend my entire paycheck on liquor bottles and cans of beer, I could do that too.

This is where I'm confused. People actually do this. They spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on alcohol, going to these clubs, and buying this weed. Do you realize how much money you are wasting for a night of "fun"?

I've partied before, I'm over it, why aren't you?

Do you realize the money you could be saving could be used for a new car payment? Could be used for GOOD food for the fridge? Could be used for your independence? That's huge! But yet, you would rather spend your cash on something so frivolous as getting drunk.

And this leads me to my next observation. Have you ever noticed the people on Myspace/Facebook who only have pictures of themselves up drinking? Or their statuses read, "Totally gonna get wasted tonight. Somebody hit me up."

Do you do anything else? Really?

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. You are a loser. First off, you're underage, and yet you are displaying to the world that you are doing illegal activities. Secondly, your IQ has dropped about 30 points in my eyes. You aren't doing anything to progress yourself or your mind. You're doing the same routine every friday and saturday, and yet how are you not bored? It's because you have a low intelligence level and can't come up with anything better. Maybe you are bored. Maybe you're not, but because someone makes an ass out of themselves everytime you hang out, it's still fun, right?

Is it fun to roll around on the floor flashing your panties for everyone to see? Is it fun to hook up with someone you don't remember the next day? Is THAT fun to you? You're disgracing yourself, and you're disgracing anyone that is associated with you. Why do people wake up in places that they don't remember, alone? Because their "friends" left them. They don't want to put up with your bullshit and they leave you. God forbid a stranger come and find you.

Overall, it's not fun, it's scary. It's a scary situation that people lightheartedly laugh about later so they don't feel like a bigger idiot than they already are. Well, you're not fooling anyone. The way you perceive yourself is the way that I perceive you and since you are displaying to the public that you drink and party, only, then I'm going to assume that you are a boring person with a low intelligence level who has no responsibilities and bad parents.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have partied, and I will probably continue to party...but yet I'm not going to do it every friday. Hell, I'm not even going to do it every month. It's something that needs to be spaced out, something that should not be the source of your entertainment.

Grow up.

Rant.

I apologize if this will be annoying to some, mostly because it's going to be a rant. My irritation level has reached a new all time high. I'll explain further.

The phrase "being undressed by their eyes" and being "eye-fucked" is a common term that you would use when people stare you down. This rant isn't going to be about how "beautiful I think I am" or about being conceited, it's about how disgusting it makes me feel. I feel trashy. I feel like I should go put on a nun's outfit, but honestly I don't think that work. I feel like no matter how much I cover up, I'm still going to be "undressed by eyes". Some girls may look at this and say, "Katie, I wish people did that to me." No, you really don't. You feel like you've lost your virtue that very moment. It's not flattering. It's not funny. It's not something I enjoy.

For example, Ember and I went to Goodwill today and as we were walking through the thrift store looking for nifty things, a mexican man in army capris started following us around. Everytime we would try to move past him, I could feel his eyes on me. I would look at him, and he would blatantly stare. I am not beautiful. I am not sexy. I am not a bombshell. Yet, this guy thought it would be okay to do this. What happened to gentlemen who would hold the door for you WITHOUT expecting a clear view of your ass as you walk by? Maybe it's this town that makes guys think that I would instantly "drop my panties" at the sound of "Damn, girl! You tasty!" No, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.

Easter

Easter is the celebration in the Christian faith of the day that Jesus was resurrected from the dead. It follows Good Friday and marks the end of Lent. It is celebrated by Christians and non-christians alike by hunting for eggs, having the easter bunny come to give you candy in a basket, and sporting pastel colors. The real question is, where did the bunny come into play and why did the Christians adopt this pagan celebration?

It's simple enough. "Eostre", (which is obviously where we got the term "Easter"), is from the ancient times in which the rabbit was a symbol of fertility (The phrase "Breeds like rabbits" comes into play here), equated with springtime and renewal of life. The hare was also associated with the moon, whose cycles determine the precise date of Easter each year. The documented resurrection of Christ and this pagan celebration happened to fall upon the same season of the year, and Voila! Easter.

The coloring of eggs came in later, and I'm proud to say that my ancestry had something to do with it. In Germany in the 1500's the coloring of eggs by children were in preparation for the coming "Oschter Haws". The bunny who would come, scattering eggs and candy in it's path. It was brought to America's later on in the 1700's.

Now that we are all a little more educated on this holiday, I would like to take a moment and explain why I love this holiday. It falls in springtime, firstly. I love springtime, mostly because most of my style is derived from pastels, flowers, and overall happy things. This is, in fact, my favorite holiday. Most people love Christmas, but buying presents is too stressful. That holiday hustle and bustle is full of angry people waiting in line for that useless piece of plastic. Church at Christmas time isn't the same either. It's all about baby Jesus. Don't get me wrong, that's an integral part in the Christian faith; however, it's always so darkly remembered, with dim rooms lit by candlelight. The overall ambiance of it is a little dreary. But with Easter, it's different. All the girls with their lace socks and patent leather shoes, combined with grinning parents parting the little boys hair off to the side while they squirm in discomfort. The bright flowers, the cardigans draped over sun dresses, and the overall happy composure of everyone around them. Most people would like to wake up to presents, but I would rather wake up to a chocolate bunny surrounded pastel M&M's and fake grass. It's a holiday of grins, candy, and flower dresses. Who wouldn't want to celebrate?