What if I'm the bad guy?

Those people over there who hurt me? They are the bad guys. I'm the good guy. I'm the hero in the story of my life.

I try my best to please people. I try my best to make people happy. I try my best to not hurt anyone. But still, you know the cliche that goes, "You can't please everyone"? I'm trying to own up to that phrase. Trying, being the optimal word. But what if in my efforts I end up being the bad guy, regardless? What if I never learn to take that phrase to heart and I continue feeling guilty for circumstances in which I cannot control?



This whole thought process sprung up from a situation that I have recently found myself in. People not liking me, for the sheer purpose of not liking me. I have always been the person that would go above and beyond for the people that I care about...or at least I try. I am nice to everyone, despite my inner feelings towards them. I grew up in church, the golden rule was beat into my head, of course I will follow it. So all of these things about my personality are known, and I make them pretty apparent in my everyday life; however, people not liking me for the downright reason of not liking me, really hurts my feelings.

As lame as that sounds...my feelings are hurt. I hear the whispers stop as I enter the room. I know things are being said about me. No matter what I do in this footing, I cannot win.

So I have to start asking myself: What if I'm the bad guy? What if my actions have been misinterpreted as foul? What if my intentions, however noble and unconfrontational they are, have been misconstrued? It hurts. At least when I do something wrong, I know what I can do to consolidate it, but without a cause, I can't take effect. I can't take action to fix something that has never been broken.

My Definition of Love

I was inspired. SimplyValorie (http://simplyvalorie.blogspot.com/) posted a blog about love. Her personal definiton of love. In the comment section I was going to leave a link to the blog where I wrote about my definition of love. Sadly enough, I could not find one. Mostly because I haven't written one. So after a tedious amount of soul searching, I think I have come up with something along the lines of what I think it is. It wasn't easy.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

Love is not what you see in the movies. It is not this undeniable love that everyone seems to be searching for. I have convinced myself multiple times that I have been "in love", however, I can't recall if I actually was. Was this just one of my many instances of immaturity? Probably so. So what is love? Everyone has a definition. Everyone has an ideal. But in my experience, God works in funny ways. You might think you know what you want out of life. You might think you know what you want in a partner. Right then and there, God will slap you across the face and lay in front of you someone you don't ever want to part from.

Love is constant touching. You see them across the room and run to them in order to caress their arm. Their hand. Anything.
Love is being together for all the right reasons, because you like them as a person and have no desire to change them.
Loving someone, not despite their flaws, but for them. They are a valuable commodity and no one is perfect. Accept what you can.
Love is working with the person to better themselves.
Love is wanting the best for them, even if that means without you.
Love is giving without wanting anything in return. Love is having fun.
Love is looking at each other and not being able to imagine your life with anyone else.
Love is accepting a person's past without letting it affect your future together, knowing what's done is done, there is nothing that can be changed now.
Love is hearing someone's heart skip a beat when you kiss them.

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

I can't exactly describe it to you.

...but I'll try.

I no longer wish I was a different person. I no longer wish I had a different life. I no longer wish that I didn't exist. It's because of him. He's fixed me. He took me out of that dark hole and showed me this beautiful world, where there was so much to do and so much to see. He cares about me. He truly does. He looks me in the eyes and always means what he says. And for the first time, I can look in his, and reiterate what he said, meaning every word.

I feel weird not walking next to him, my hand feels empty. I immediately want to grab it, but when he's not there, I feel naked. He's my best friend. We can talk about anything. We can do stupid things together. We can make each other's skin hum. He's my mister.

I've found my life again.

My 5.

So, I haven't been blogging lately, because, well, honestly...I have been completely smitten by Mister. And when I'm smitten, I lose inspiration. For some reason, I find it so hard to write when I'm NOT miserable. Don't ask. I don't know.

So Valorie, over at Simply Valorie, asked me to make a list. A list consisting of 5 fictional men who I'd get horizontal with if I had the chance. (Thanks Val, right after I get a new boyfriend). So I start pondering, and here I go.



5. Riley Finn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Let's face it. He's tall. He's gorgeous. He works for a top secret government conspiracy. Let's face it, the gadgets, the cool spy gear. He's just a good chunk of man.



4. Joe Black from the movie, "Meet Joe Black". Brad Pitt who plays his character, is absolutely fantastic in this role. He's new to this world, he doesn't know any better, and he loves Peanut Butter. This movie is one of my favorites, with one of the most innocent characters out there. Absolutely precious.



3. Christian from Moulin Rouge. He sings. He's romantic. He's in love. I love this movie and I love him. He's a writer who types on a typewriter, for god sakes! I adore him.



2. Peter Pevensie from the Chronicles of Narnia. He's in charge, and he's got the those big puffy lips. And you know, I have a soft spot for a man who can handle a sword.



1. Angel from Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The men Buffy chooses in her life, are just top notch. Before there was stupid Edward and Bella, there was Buffy and Angel. Let's let the true forbidden romance shine. Angel is perfect. The perfect...um...man. I even liked him when he turned evil in the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a problem.

There you go. Who is your favorite fictional man? Let me know. I love me some hypothetical situations.

I want to talk a little bit about fate.

Fate may refer to destiny, an inevitable course of events. It may refer to the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do. It may be the expected result of normal development. It may be a lot of things.

Now I don't know if I believe in fate. Or karma. Or anything that is "meant to be", but it is all coming together quite nicely as of late.

And then I smiled...

...because someone else got it.

The Wrong Place, The Wrong Time.

This all might not make much sense. This all might not flow well together, but I want to get it all out there.

I belive my entire life has been a collection of "the wrong place at the wrong time" moments. It's a compilation of instances in which I always end up saying, "If only that had happened later on down the road." I've tumbled down this rabbit hole and all I want to do is climb out and continue reading my book. I don't want to go through the looking glass. I don't want to go through the adventure. I don't want to find the key that unlocks a certain door. I simply want to get out.

If only I had met him 10 years down the road, when we both had a little more wisdom. If only I had stopped myself that morning. If only I learned to keep my mouth shut. If only I hadn't ran that red light. If only I had said "no". If only I had learned to be myself, sooner. If only I could stop lying. If only, if only, if only. The "what if?" looms over my head every morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to bed.



Well they're just thoughts so go ahead and speak.