Sometimes...

Sometimes I get in these moods, where I want to write all day, everyday. Then some, I sit there and groan because I'm trying to force myself to. I'm definitely in the previous category as of right now.

But thankfully, this is exactly what I'm writing about today. My indecisiveness. I can never stick with something. All my ideals are conflicting. I'm never even on the same page with myself. Oh, you want me to explain further?

Just a little over a year ago, you could say I was an idiot. I was happy, ignorant of what the world had in store for me, and going about my days as a stupid teenager. Now, a year later, I want those same ideas back. I want to be ignorant of the real world and I want to stop acting like a damn adult. I want to be carefree, not worry about my future and I want to up and leave. That's how I used to be, so why not do it again? I grew up, fast, I might add, and had to make decisions that I never thought I would have to make. I made adult decisions with an immature mind, which led me to where I am today. People say that growing up too fast is hard, right? Well, they aren't lying. Going from that state of mind to this one, it's one of indecisiveness and personal struggle. That's where the problem starts. I can pretend to be happy, know that I should be, and I can even put on the best performance you can imagine But in my head, there is a war raging on. One of me screaming, no, over and over again, and the other is screaming at me to shut up and go for it.

The conflictions go further.

"You don't want that, you don't need that." For a week I can repeat this phrase. I can convince myself entirely that this is the truth. However, a week later, I can look at that and say, "No, you've got to go back. You've got to chase after it." This pattern has been continuing in my head for 6 months now. These battles are going on, and there is no one who can even give me a sword for a fighting chance.

The war is coming up. I wonder who will win?